Dear Wing Ma'am: We fight about the most ridiculous things

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  • By Wing Ma'am
  • 6th Medical Group
MACDILL AIR FORCE BASE, Fla. --  DEAR WING MA'AM: My girlfriend and I fight about the most ridiculous things, but it seems to end up in a huge argument that we both regret later. Sometimes, we call each other nasty names or we'll stop talking to each other for days at a time just to hurt each other's feelings. We really want to make our relationship work, but have a hard time getting it right. What can we do so that we can actually resolve our arguments, like adults, instead of breaking up all the time? ~ No Contest

DEAR NO CONTEST: I commend you with being able to identify that there is a problem and wanting to get help. Sounds like you are committed to the relationship and just need some pointers on how to resolve conflicts more effectively. Conflict in a relationship is not bad, it's normal. The way you handle the conflict is what can strengthen or destroy your relationship.

Some individuals feel that avoiding an argument is better for the relationship. Unfortunately, avoiding the opportunity to discussing your frustrations can lead to tension, 'walking on eggshells', and resentment towards your partner. It is healthy to address and resolve conflict in a respectable way. When you do express how you

feel, remember to use a calm voice, and use "I" statements. By using an "I" statement such as, "I feel rejected..." you are owning your feelings and using a non-accusatory tone. When you start a statement with "you always" or "you never...." the other person will automatically be put on defense by the over-generalization you are making. Try to see the other person's perspective by listening and empathizing with the other person. If you are thinking about what you are going to say next or interrupting, then you are not really listening. When describing your frustrations, be careful not to make a character attack on your partner. Labeling them as "lazy or selfish" after they leave their dirty uniform on the ground, is an attack on their character. Remember to show respect, even if you don't like the behavior your partner is demonstrating. Showing a lack of respect by stonewalling, or refusing to talk or listen to you partner, can lead to contempt and hatred in relationship. Putting up a "stone wall" creates hard feeling while underlying issues intensify.

Remember, when you are trying to "win" a fight, the relationship is "losing." Instead, look for a compromise that meets everyone's needs or 'agree to disagree.' Differing opinions can still have validity. Be humble when receiving feedback and stay on topic by focusing on the issue at hand. Always try to keep the arguments you have with your partner in perspective and ask yourself if "winning" the argument is worth damaging or losing the relationship.

Dear Wing Ma'am is written by Capt. Christy Cruz, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker. Wing Ma'am works as the Resiliency Program manager and clinical therapist at MacDill AFB. If you want to ask Wing Ma'am for advice, please send your questions to 6mdos.sgoh@us.af.mil. Letters are kept anonymous. Rights are reserved to edit published letters for style and length. Not every question can be answered. This column seeks to educate readers and should not be used as a substitute for seeking professional assistance.